Sometimes a loved one will send little messages to tell you what love language they speak, hoping that you will get the hint. Guys sometimes need to be hit on the head to get a clue.
My routine when I get home, is to get myself a triple mocha and grab the sports page of the newspaper. My wife will come and sit next to me. As I read the sports page, she tells me about her day. After a while, as I become more engaged in the sports page, she will give up and go start dinner or do something else. After reading the 'The 5 Love Languages' book, it dawned on me that I have been being a dummy. I see now that she wants to talk when I get home. I have discovered that Quality Time is probably her primary love language.
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:" Ecclesiates 3:1
There is a time for everything. If you have a loved one that loves quality time, there needs to be time put aside just for them. I discovered that my wife likes to sit and engage. I have learned how to engage with her. Through these studies, I have learned to be more sensitive to her needs.
"Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again." Luke 6:38
My wife also loves to shop. If I go shopping with my wife, maybe she will let me go hunting again. It is OK if we try to out give our loved ones. When you give undivided time to someone, you are giving your life to them. It is a powerful communication of love. We must work at love; so communication is important.
Quality time means we are doing something together and we are giving our full attention to each other. It is not just about filling time with an activity, but about giving and listening and paying attention.
Good listening is the key to Quality Time. When you are listening you will be giving your time, not your opinion. You must stop the tape of what you are thinking that is playing in your head and listen. Quality time is conversation or sympathetic dialogue. You are focusing on drawing the person out. You will ask questions in a genuine manner, to understand their thoughts and feelings. Listening is so important.
Some good rules of Quality Conversation.
- Maintain eye contact. It is better when someone is speaking to you and you look at them. It keeps your mind from wandering. It makes them feel that you are paying attention to them.
- Don’t listen and do something else at the same time.
- Listen for feelings. Ask yourself what emotion the other person is feeling. Then express your thoughts of that emotion to them and ask for confirmation that it is what they are feeling.
- Observe body language. It is said that body language constitutes 50% or more of what is being communicated. Paying attention to body language can help us know better what the other desires us to understand about their heart.
- Refuse to interrupt. The average time that we spend listening to someone is seventeen seconds. Then we begin forming opinions or speaking. Understand, don’t defend. Open up and tell your thoughts and feelings as well.
Spouses should share a time each day, in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you felt about it. Establish and call it a 'Minimum Daily Requirement Time.' Both of you must step out of that comfort zone. It is easy to say what you did, but if you want to know how a person felt, it may be hard to express. Sit down and think and share and talk until you learn to share your feelings.
Homework: Think and write about a time you have had with someone and you both had a blast. Think and write about a time when you didn’t necessarily have a good time, but the other person did. Think about a person that you think the love tank may be drying up, between you and them. Write down one or two things that the person would love to do with you. What can we do to give more of ourselves to someone else who needs a fill up?
More Reading on The 5 Love Languages:
Words of Affirmation
Acts if Service